10 Commandments of the Summer Job

The summer before I started college, I spent the summer working part-time at a local convenience store. From that experience, I wrote an article for my college blog called 20 Rules for the Convenience Store, which then went on to be published in the American magazine, Convenience Store Decisions.

Anyway, this summer I’m back at the same convenience store. And, to be quite honest, I think I’ve learned a few things. Following are 10 commandments to be followed by college students working ye olde summer job. Please add your own if you’re so inclined.

1. Thou shalt not work too many hours. Having too many hours will usually affect how much the student loan folk hand out. Only go for a full-time job if you aren’t looking to get a student loan. (And, in that case, sucks to be you… right now. Not so much in 15 years when the rest of us are still trying to pay off our loans…)
2. Thou shalt not work for a family member. Working for a family member can be either evil or great. It’s great when = you get to slack off and still get paid. But it’s evil when = they make you work and you try everything in your power to get fired because they’re being so mean and they won’t just go ahead and fire you already because you’re family. It’s a double-edged sword. Best thing to do is ask a former or current employee for their honest opinion of your relative as a boss. You might get lucky. Or, they might lie to your face so that you too are sucked into the Summer of Doom & Despair.
3. Thou shalt not expect to be paid much over minimum wage. You’re only around for the summer and you suck at your job anyway. It’s laughable that you would even expect a raise after those first disastrous 2 weeks.
4. Thou shalt not work at the same job as thy boy/girlfriend. We show a different side of ourselves at work. Besides, seeing too much of a person can be unhealthy for a relationship, especially in such close quarters. (Besides. Your co-workers don’t want to see you two making out in the broom closet. Gross.)
5. Thou shalt probably have to wear a dorky uniform. Suck it up, kid. You’ve been assimilated into the collective.
6. Thou shalt not spit into the hamburger of thy nemesis when they come to Wendy’s and you’re working in the kitchen. This should be fairly self-explanatory.
7. Thou shalt not be caught smelling marshmallows by thy boss, co-workers or customers. I love the smell of marshmallows. But seeing the cashier shoving a package into her face and inhaling deeply seems to make people uncomfortable.
8. Thou shalt pretend to love and not quit thy job at chic downtown coffee house. You may hate your job and have a knack for spilling hot beverages. But you still get tips and working as a barista looks a lot cooler than being a fry cook, so appreciate where you are and- more importantly- how you look while you do it.
9. Thou shalt not get distracted from your job when your crush comes by. “Don’t mess up. Don’t mess up. Just try to look cool and attractive. Sure, you’re wearing a shirt with a fast food label on it but it’s cool. They respect you. It’s fine. Just don’t make eye contact and maybe they’ll go away… Crap, they’re coming over. Oh, crap. They just saw you. Don’t mess up… And there you go, spilling fries everywhere. Wow. Impressive.”
10. Thou shalt make plans to have a kick-ass job next summer. This could include book store clerk, amusement park employee, summer camp counselor or, if you’re looking to be creative, lifeguard at a nude beach.

(Photo courtesy of quinn.anya.)

Again, I’d love to hear any suggestions for other summer job commandments. (Keep in mind, this article is meant to be humorous and not to be taken seriously. By all means, ignore what you’ve read here.)

Kill Jill’s Awesome Thing Of The Week: The “Jake & Amir” T-Shirt

I want one. And, yet, I don’t have one. Really, I should have one. I waste more time on JakeAndAmir.com than I care to admit. So, yeah. I should definitely have one. Wouldn’t you agree, Loyal Reader?

Sooooo, yeah. Loyal Reader, you have two options, at this point.

1. Just go right ahead to the site and buy the shirt for me.
2. Donate to the Buy Kill Jill A Jake & Amir T-Shirt Fund (via PayPal).

But for serious. If you’re considering doing either, you are the bestest person in the whole world and will be linked on Kill Jill fo’ life. Also, please email me (or leave a comment at this blog post and I’ll get back to you) before buying anything or sending any money. Please and thanks. But mostly thanks. Because you are beautiful- inside and out.

(If you’re not familiar with Jake and Amir, check out their wonderful, hilarious videos at Jake and Amir.com and CollegeHumor.)

Kill Jill’s Awesome Thing Of The Week: Film Snobbery

I’m trying to be more of a film snob these days. Instead of just my usual comedies (romantic comedies, buddy comedies, gross-out comedies, etc… Oh, by the way, The Hangover was epic!!), I’m trying to branch out and watch more “critically acclaimed” films.

(Yes. There are movies and then there are films. There’s a difference. Apparently.)

This is a still from Doubt, starring Meryl Streep, Philip Seymour Hoffman and Amy Adams.

Recently, I’ve watched:

• Sideways
• Ed Wood
• Capote
  
• Lars and the Real Girl
• Fido
  
• Doubt

Tonight I plan on watching Requiem for a Dream which I’ve heard is a pretty intense film. But I have a lot of catching up to do on the whole film snobbery thing. I think now is a good time for me to start this film snobbery goal because I’m old enough and mature enough to understand a lot of things, versus when I was 18 or 19.

So. Does anyone have any movie suggestions? I’m looking for movies that were nominated for a butt-load of awards in the year they were released. I’m open to both dramas and artfully-done comedies.

Eight Things I Miss About College

♫ No Doubt - Stand and Deliver

1. My dorm roommate. She’s not going to be living on campus next year but she plans to live close by. Good. ‘Cause I have a feeling my new roommate isn’t going to just make me chocolate chip brownies whenever I’m feeling blue. Like Roomie did for me this year. (I know, right? Aww.)
2. Classes. That’s right, I said it. I actually miss learning stuff. Go figure.
3. My instructors. I saw those guys – the Teddy Bear and the Cactus, as I call them – every day for nearly eight months. I miss the former’s sensitive encouragement and the latter’s sarcastic humor.
4. My classmates. Well, a couple of them. The ones I talked to regularly, anyway.
5. My dorm family. This consists of Jenn, Roomie, Caitlin and Canning. You get comfortable with a group of people and then leave them for 4 months. It’s weird.
6. Drinking. I know, that sounds horrible. But if anything good would happen at college (the end of exams, Christmas, birthdays, Tuesdays), we’d all got out for cuatros margaritas at our favorite downtown restaurant. I miss the laughter that goes along with drinking, not the liquor itself.
7. City X. Gahd, I miss that town. I miss the music scene. I miss the old buildings. I miss the restaurants. I miss the one-way streets. I miss the culture. I miss the unreasonably high ratio of hipster kids to white gangsters. *le sigh*
8. Ordering in. As you might guess, Nowhereville doesn’t have an East Side Mario’s. So, I can’t just call them up and have them bring me my favorite meal. Dammit.

(Image by Mel B.)

Kill Jill’s Awesome Thing Of The Week: Looner

This band is totally cute. As a nerd girl, I find their song “I Love My Tamagotchee!” is totally addictive, catchy and quirky.

Check ‘em out: http://www.myspace.com/looner

Dead Girl Walking!

Well, I am seriously the most random person ever. But I’m OK with that.

I’ve always wanted to take part in a zombie walk (or “zombie flash mob”, if you prefer). City X had one two years ago with about 20 participants. They held it during the summer. Well, I started a Facebook group last night to see how many people would be interested in doing a zombie walk on Saturday, October 31st. Twenty people have joined the group and it’s only been 24 hours. So, that’s pretty cool.

Photo by ioerror.

So, has anyone ever taken part in a zombie walk? I’d love to hear your suggestions, especially since I’ve never taken part in one before- let alone organized one!

High Speed Internet Is The Devil

As many of you know, I’m currently spending my summer in Nowhereville. We just got high-speed two days ago and, since that fateful day, I’ve gotten absolutely f***ing nothing done. Nothing.

Before two days ago, we had satellite Internet. YouTube videos would take a lot longer to load so I didn’t bother with it that much, except for videos I really, really, really wanted to see (eventually…) but now?

Now I can watch thousands upon millions of videos on YouTube and CollegeHumor, right after the other and watch back-dated episodes of The Colbert Report and bathe in the vast ocean that is nerd paradise.

I haven’t worked on my music website in days. My email went wonky so I’ve been on the phone to tech support guys (many of which didn’t speak great English) trying to get that worked out. (They made it worse, for the record, not better.)

So, now I’ve been watching videos featuring Arj Barker and Bo Burnham. But I have to stop. I HAVE TO STOP. I chose the deadline of July 1st for my website and I just don’t think it’s gonna happen now.

So, yeah. Thanks a lot High Speed Internet. Thanks for nothin’.

(Except for making everything faster. I do love being able to watch more than 2 videos in an hour. Yeah, that’s nice…)

And for those of us graduating high school…

What would high school graduation be without Vitamin C’s “Graduation (Friends Forever)”? Well, CollegeHumor made their own little version, a perhaps more honest song: Check it out!

College: Lies You Should Tell Your Parents

Since most of us are home from the summer from college (at least for a little while, anyway), we’re likely going to hear the following 3 questions a lot.

• So, how was school this year?
• Get into any trouble this year?
• So. Exactly how many drugs did you experiment with this year?

Photo by Will Humes.

Obviously, telling Mom, Dad and Grandma about some stuff is OK. But the following items are things you might want to avoid when it’s your turn to talk at the dinner table. (I’m not condoning or encouraging any of the following acts. That’s for your peer-pressuring friends to do.) (I’m also not condoning or encouraging lying to your parents about everything. Just the things they don’t need to know.)

(Also, you may want to edit this list if your parents are any or all of the following: unbelievably understanding, hippies or convicted felons who continue to sell crack to support their heroin addiction.)

OK then. Here are some things you shouldn’t tell your parents when it comes to describing your year at college.

1. Drug experimentation. Yes, maybe you found out your parents tried pot back in high school. It was, most likely, the ’70s. Not that pot is any more/less harmful than it was back in the day, but they’re still not going to be stoked that their baby angel got high once or twice (or, like, every Friday night for the past 4 months).
2. Weekend dorm life. Living in a dorm can be fun. On weekends, there’s always a party going on somewhere and crazy stuff usually happens. But if Pops knew his little girl was surrounded by such tomfoolery (I love that word.), he would not be pleased. He’d likely get you out of there and put you in your own apartment… Wait. On second thought. If he’s willing to pay your rent, better start tellin’ tales.
3. Your diet. If Mom knew how many times you ate Wendy’s per week, she’d throw a fit. And then your Grandma would look at your epic ass, wince and shake her head in disappointment. (What? That’s only me. Oh. Well then.)
4. How much you drink. What would college be without drinking? A purely educational environment… with rainbows and unicorns and chocolate-covered leprechauns ‘n junk. But if they knew how much vodka made its way into your system over the past academic year (”I swear to God, I have no idea how it got there!!”), they’d be shocked and dismayed. Plus, they might stop sending you money if they know it’s not going towards groceries, but actually to Smirnoff Ice.
5. Hook-ups. No matter how far the hook-up itself went (or which gender it was with), your parents don’t need to know that stuff. And Grandma doesn’t either (unless she’s a weird kinky old lady… ew).

And, just so nobody pees themselves or anything, here are some things (in no particular order) you might want to fess up to:

• addictions (drugs, alcohol, porn, etc.)
• pregnancies (yours or one you caused)
• academic expulsion
• hit-and-runs
• murders
• manslaughter charges
• lawsuits (against you- they don’t need to know you’re suing your roommate for puking in your underwear drawer)
• getting sued for puking in your roommate’s underwear drawer

Any other things you might want to lie about not share with your family? Let me know!

Summer Goals: Revisited

On May 2nd, I made a post titled Summer Goals, Yo. and listed all the things I plan to do this summer. May went by pretty quickly and we’re almost halfway through June (Sheesh, y’all!) so I thought I would revamp my goals list.

I will:

1. Work on, finish and continue to regularly update my music website project thingy. Finish music website on or by July 1st.
2. Study for and acquire my beginner’s drivers license [edit] before August 1 [/edit].
3. Practice driving as much as I can.
4. Not f*** up too much at my part-time job at the convenience store. Also, I will not buy a chocolate bar every day while working at the store… even though I work right in front of a wall of them and regularly find myself staring at them whenever the store is empty. *sigh* I seem to be doing much better at work this summer. Or, at least, I think so.
5. Spend less time on Facebook, more time reading.
6. Finish reading at least three two books.
7. Work on my comedy novel [edit] and comedy fiction novel [/edit].
8. Not ignore my numerous projects for The Sims or various Nintendo DS games. [edit] I’m working on this, honest. [/edit]
9. Swim every chance I get. [edit] Because of pool-related technical difficulties, I haven’t been able to go swimming yet but I’m hoping the pool will be ready by July 1st. [/edit]
10. Go on regular photography adventures and try to improve my photography and photo manipulation skills. [edit] Also working on this. [/edit]
11. Start working on, continue working on and finish my NYC trip scrapbook. Do several pages of my NYC trip scrapbook. [edit] I’ve almost finished one page of my NYC scrapbook. So, I can’t see myself getting the whole thing done this summer. Poop. [/edit]
12. Regularly update Kill Jill Goes To College (and these updates have to include helpful articles and not just me blabbing on about stuff in my own life). [edit] Frig. [/edit]

Well. That’s unfortunate.