How To Spot a College Student
You’re sitting in a hospital emergency room, waiting to see a doctor about that furry lump growing on your foot. You’ve already read all the magazines (twice) and there’s no TV. You look around at the other patients around you. Your first thought, besides “Is the ’sleeping’ man beside me actually dead?”, is obviously “I wonder if there are any college students here.” Here are some tips for picking a college student out of a crowd.
- The college hoodie. Look around for a college emblem. That’s usually the first give-away. This hoodie will also likely be stained because most college students own no clothing besides their college hoodie. They sleep in it. They go to class in it. They drink in it. They puke in (on) it.
- Sweatpants. If there are no college hoodies in sight, look for a college-age person in sweat pants. They would probably be wearing jeans but the food at the cafeteria is so good and “I’m paying a lot of money for it anyway so I might as well eat all I want!” and now their jeans have all shrunk. (Stupid magical shrinking jeans!)
- Catching some Z’s. If the clothes aren’t a dead giveaway, the droopy eyelids should be. This is sometimes accompanied by earphones on the head of the aforementioned snoozer.
- Socks. Of course they’re wearing sneakers. This is an obvious one. Mismatched socks give you five points. Ten points if the kid isn’t wearing any socks. (Doing laundry is uber-lame.)
- Did you say “free”?! Nobody loves free food more than a starving, broke student. I once saw a freshman wrestling with a homeless guy for a package of Mr. Noodles. (***) Go to the nearest vending machine, purchase a chocolate bar and then ask if anybody wants it. Before the words are even out of your mouth, that person you thought might be a college student will be shoving that Snickers down their gullet.
And there you have it. Tips for spotting a college student. Have fun! Feel free to comment and add your own tips for this ever-amusing game!
(*** OK. Didn’t actually see a freshman wrestling with a homeless guy. But I think it would have been a little funny to see a homeless guy giving a freshman an unexpected elbow-drop to the face. Yes, no?)